Muriel: Most swamis have a fancy title, like "Divine Grace" or "Bhagwan Sri" -- how did you get your name: "Cheap Cigar Swami"?
Cheap Cigar Swami: It is a gesture of humility, something that has been lacking among my colleagues. What is more humble than a "nickel" cigar?! And what about you, Muriel, do you have a last name?
Muriel: I thought I was asking the questions! My earliest ancestor was named "Eve". My granddaughter, Charo, and my great-granddaughter, Cher, also follow in the family tradition of beautiful women known by one great name.
Cheap Cigar Swami: You have a lovely family.
Muriel: What kind of cheap cigars do you prefer?
Cheap Cigar Swami: I admit I am partial to your cigars, Muriel, especially your "Magnum" variety, but I also enjoy Swisher Sweets' "Perfecto" and Antonio y Cleopatra "Coronas" with the green candela wrapper -- some of the best cheap cigars you can hold a match to!
Muriel: I've never heard of a swami smoking cigars...
Cheap Cigar Swami: You're right! Swamis and cigars aren't traditionally linked together. Swamis are more a symbol of the East and cigars a symbol of the West and Freud. So a cigar-smoking swami is a mixed-metaphor.
Muriel: So why do you smoke 'em?
Cheap Cigar Swami: I like 'em. And they are a handy tool of contemplation, which is my line of work.
Muriel: Do people give you a hard time for it -- especially it being so out of character for a swami to smoke tobacco!
Cheap Cigar Swami: I guess I am more like my friends among the Native Americans who still see tobacco as a divine gift. People sometimes forget: we swamis are in the eternity day-by-day business. Enlightenment is not a void. Life is real. The illusion is thinking that this is all there is. More awaits, but don't negate the now.
Muriel: Does it bother you to hear the Surgeon General say all tobacco is vile and dangerous to our health?
Cheap Cigar Swami: Life is temporary. If no one ever smoked tobacco would disease cease to exist? Would accidents not happen? Would all war be over? Would we live forever? The goal of smoking-eradication seems like an outbreak of "generational revenge": the Baby Boom generation, having so hated their parents, strives to snuff out their parent's "vice" (to punish them) while trying to normalize their own vices.
Muriel: What do you do when you're not smoking cigars?
Cheap Cigar Swami: Live my life! The cigar is only for special moments of contemplation or fellowship. Most of the time I am working to bring harmony to the universe.
Muriel: And how, pray tell, can you do that!
Cheap Cigar Swami: It's not easy. It is a little like when the Biblical Job sat and scraped his boils with a shard -- you don't know if it's helping or making things worse! But, I try to be clear in my thinking, honor the persons God has made, and pray in my heart to love and serve. That is about all anyone can do.
Muriel: That sounds like a good program. Thanks for spending a little time with me!
Cheap Cigar Swami: I enjoyed it! You are a classy Lady.
1) Make sure the cigar has a hole in it to breathe the smoke through. If the end requires a cutter, the cigar is not cheap enough.
2) Light with a wood match whenever possible. The small box of matches is easy to carry and can be held in the grip to reinforce the fist if a defensive weapon becomes necessary.